Akatsuki rule book
by midnathething
Summary: Now presenting the Akatsuki rule book! In this story you will be told some of the rules of the feared missing ninja group, But wait, there's more! If you read read now you will also got the story's behind the rules! Rated T because Hidan is in this story, and he talks.
1. THE LIST OF RULES or doom

Deidara wandered through the base, bored out of his mind. Sure he had a mission to do but...Go stealthily assassinate someone? BOOORING. Deidara stopped staring at a strange list on the wall, some of the things on it hopelessly smudged out, Deidara inspected the smudged out rules carefully. Apparently rules four and five were there and sir leader could count. Deidara pulled the senbon pinning the page of rules out of the wall grabbing the page of rules as it attempted to flutter to the floor. He was definitely going to want the story's behind some... okay most, of the rules.

* * *

"Sasori no Danna I found you, un!" Deidara cheered.

"What do you want brat?" Was Sasori's brisk reply, he was working on a puppet and if Deidara caused him to make a mistake...

"Pbbbbttttttt, fine be that way, un. Explain the rules, or at least the story's behind them," Deidara demanded poking some strange puddle of purple liquid on Sasoris desk. "And what is this purple stuff?" He added.

"First off don't do something dumb like lick the 'purple stuff', it's a deadly combination of poisons." Sasori stated rolling his eyes.

"GAHHHH!" Deidara flailed his hand away from him like it was on fire.

Sasori proceeded to throw a towel at Deidara, to both shut him up, and give him something to wipe his hand off on.

"But really, can you explain the rules, un?" Deidara asked while wiping off his hand.

Sasori sighed. It appeared he would not be finishing his puppet today after all. He took the page of rules and looked over them.

_Akatsuki Rule's:_

_#1: Samahada is not allowed in the kitchen._

_#2: Swords are not allowed in the kitchen._

_#3: Deidara is not allowed to blow up the base._

_#4: No explosives in the kitchen._

_#5: Kakuzu is not allowed to cook._

_#6: Do not under any circumstance give Tobi candy._

_#7: Tobi is not allowed to cook._

_#8: Zetsu must clean up after his meals. Snacks included._

_#9: Deidara is not allowed to cook._

_#10: Sasori is not allowed to use poisons to 'teach'. Unless it is teaching someone how to use poison._

_#11: Do not call Deidara a girl. He is a boy._

_#12: Being shredded by samahada and left to soak in the bath tub is not 'taking a bath'._

_#13: Romances of the same gender are strictly forbidden._

_#14: Sasori is also a boy._

_#15: Snakes are not to be left sitting around the base to see if Deidara is learning to pay attention._

_#16: Poisoned kunai traps are also not be left set up around the base._

_#17: Tobi's stories are bad and he should feel bad._

_#18: Do not steal Kakazu's money...why does this have to be a rule?_

_#19: Do not buy store explosive tags. They are made by drunks._

_#20: Do not take away Deidara's explosive clay_

_#21: Itachi is a genjustu user, not a medic._

_#22: Itachi is not allowed to cook._

_#23: It is a requirement to wear clothes when not bathing._

_#24: Do not take away Tobi's Brawndo._

Sasori sighed. He knew how this was going to go, he would start explaining the rules and someone would wander in, and then someone else, and then someone else... And then someone would get into a fight and knock over one of the puppets he was repairing...No, just no.

"Fine, I'll tell you about the rules. But only in the living room. I don't want to end up with an even MORE broken puppet." Sasori stated, the last part a dark mutter.

"Yay!" And with that Deidara pulled Sasori up, and dragged Sasori in the direction of the living room. He was murmuring something about 'story time was much better than some assassination mission'.


	2. Rule 1

**Warning: This contains a lot of the stupid. Do not eat or drink anything while reading this fic. I do not wish to be held accountable for you choking, or the demise of your computer. Now that you have been warned...ON WITH THE STORY!**

Deidara fell onto the couch with a plop, Sasori leaning against a wall in the corner.

Deidara was looking over the list. He stopped and reread the first and second rules. "Wait a minute, why is the rule 'Samahada is not allowed in the kitchen', why is the rule not 'Kisame is not allowed in the kitchen',un?" Deidara asked scowling at the list of rules.

"Because," Sasori began with a sigh, "He apparently make vary good sushi."

"**Yum, Kisame sushi...,**" The well known voice of the darker half of everyone's favorite cannibalistic plant man. "I thought Deidara was given a mission." His paler half stated.

Deidara cringed. Sasori glared over at Deidara.

_'Okay...I hope my math is right or Sasori will kill me...'_ Deidara thought with a twinge of panic.

"Well you see...," Deidara's voice faltered as panic edged into it, "I-I did the math and calculated his path and-and if I wait for a few days I'll be more likely to kill him, and less likely to get caught in the process, un."

Sasori sighed. Deidara was really going to have to get over the whole 'Sasori's gonna kill me if I do something wrong' thing. Even if it was true it was annoying.

"So...** What are you two doing?**" Zetsu asked, paler half frowning at his darker half's lack of tact.

"Sasori No Danna is telling me the story behind the rules on the LIST OF RULES." Deidara frowned. "Where did THAT UNEXPECTED EMPHASIS come from?...Uchiha STOP GENJUSTUING ME, un."

Itachi walked into the living room. (Do evil bases have living rooms? Well this one does.) "I'm back from my mission so I thought I'd stop by and say hello with a genjustu."

"Of course you did." Deidara muttered bitterly.

"Now Brat, pass me the list of rules, I can't tell you about them if I don't know what they are." Sasori stated, dodging when Deidara threw the list to him in the form of a crumpled ball.

Sasori cleared his throat, not that he needed to, just because when people read stories to him as a child they always cleared their throats Before they began reading.

"Rule_ #1: Samahada is not allowed in the kitchen._

_..._

_Kisame stared at the leader. "You want me to do what?" He asked not believing he had heard those words come out of their leader's mouth._

_"I want you to cook something." Sir Leader firmly repeated_

_"But…Why?" Kisame said trying to follow the leader's train of thought._"

Sasori read, before being interrupted by Deidara.

"How do you know this happened, un?" Deidara asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I was exploring the air vents and got lost," Sasori replied, waving a hand dismissively. "Now, back to the story..."

_" Because it's ether you cooking, or Zetsu cooking," Sir Leader replied._

_"Oh… How does shredded chicken sound?" Kisame asked grinning._

_"I don't care as long as it will be edible," Sir Leader sighed walking away._

_"Time to make a meal they'll never forget, right Samahada?" Kisame grinned getting a feeling of approval from Samahada._

"This can not end well, un..." Deidara murmured.

**_Later_**

_Sir Leader wandered into the kitchen. He smelled something burning; that was never a good sign._

_His eyes grew wide when he took in the sight before him. There were shredded chicken pieces everywhere, the kitchen table was on fire, and the counter had been shredded so much you could see the silverware drawer._"

"Wait... WHY WAS THE TABLE ON FIRE?!" Deidara shouted gesturing, and hitting a wall. The wall and Deidara were both in pain as a result.

"Kisame tried cooking the chicken with a fire justu, the chicken was on the table - there you go, one burning table and inedible chicken." Sasori answered with a chuckle at the memory.

_"__Kisame, what happened in here?" Sir Leader asked rubbing one of his temples._

_"I'm cooking shredded chicken, Samahada helped!" Kisame gave a toothy grin._

_Sir Leader wordlessly walked out, pulling a paper out of his pocket. He quickly wrote on the paper before sticking it to the wall with a senbon._

_The paper read in bold letters:_

_RULES:_

_#1: Samahada is not allowed in the kitchen_

"And that, Deidara, is where rule number one comes from," Sasori concluded.

"Kakuzu threw a fit when he saw the kitchen," Itachi said with a smile threatening to appear on his face.

Deidara stared for a moment before asking uncertainly, "Itachi are you smiling?"

"No, you are going crazy." Itachi answered in his usual monotone, leaving the room.

Itachi was smiling for the first time in who knew how long.


End file.
